The Past 6 Months

The divorce came and went. He left with the girls to Texas but now even the girls are split up in 3 different states. I'm finally in Arizona to finish school, which I started to help me through the divorce.

Today in Gospel Doctrine and Relief Society I couldn't stop crying because the lessons were on “In Mine Own Way” and Family: The Sweetest Union for Time and for Eternity.

In Gospel Doctrine the lesson of being self reliant took on a whole new meaning. I learned that as I'm going to school in a degree in Medical Assisting that I'm work on being self reliant. That as I continue to work on it that I can't help my girls or others until I learn to be self reliant for myself and not lean on others to help me. That I need to learn to be able to support myself finacially, temporally, and spiritually. I know that if the divorce hadn't happened I most likely would have never learned this.

The thing that hit me the hardest (during RS) was a comment the RS President, Sis. Garvin, said "When I feel like nothing I do is good enough or that my husband doesn't care how I feel. Or even when nothing goes right in the day; I read a note I put in my scriptures next to 'Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.' D&C 42:22 which reads: The success of a healthy man is how he treats his wife when no else is looking. Then my thinking changes because I remember the other stuff doesn't matter as long as I know my husband's love for me by the little things he does for me." I couldn't help stop the tears from flowing because I remember those few times when Aaron would just come up to me and start dancing with me while I was making dinner or doing dishes or staying up all night with a sick little one. I knew he loved me then. It hurts now to think his love for me would change so drastically because I didn't keep the house up. That he can't trust me anymore.

I miss Aaron and all my girls. I still love my girls!! I still love him!!! I will never stop loving him!! I still believe he is my best friend and he is the one I will always be married to in the end.

The blessing I received before coming out to AZ gave me comfort knowing that with all that has happened is for me to learn. That the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle. That even in our darkest times we will be strenghten and lifted. This is how He shows His love for us.

I am constantly aware of how much hate and dislike his family has for me and what they think I have done to him and the girls. Yes, granted I have made mistakes and have had a hard time with my mothering resposiblities of keeping house with no mother to learn this from. But I was doing the best I could, learning as I go. I know I wasn't the only one in our home and maybe that is the bitterness I feel about all of this. That it seemed like I was all alone in raising our girls.

I feel like the marriage failed because we weren't communicating our need for the other's help in a way the other would be able to understand. The way we would express it would be like an order from a captain to the troops heading out to battle. An all or nothing command. I also feel like his family (for five years) helped him in the decision to divorce me because of my housekeeping. Whether it is true or not that is what I feel.

Husbands and wives honor each other by showing love, kindness, and affection.
“Marriage [is] an institution of heaven, instituted in the garden of Eden.”3
“It is the duty of a husband to love, cherish, and nourish his wife, and cleave unto her and none else [see D&C 42:22]; he ought to honor her as himself, and he ought to regard her feelings with tenderness, for she is his flesh, and his bone, designed to be an help unto him, both in temporal, and spiritual things; one into whose bosom he can pour all his complaints without reserve, who is willing (being designed) to take part of his burden, to soothe and encourage his feelings by her gentle voice.
“It is the place of the man, to stand at the head of his family, … not to rule over his wife as a tyrant, neither as one who is fearful or jealous that his wife will get out of her place, and prevent him from exercising his authority. It is his duty to be a man of God (for a man of God is a man of wisdom,) ready at all times to obtain from the scriptures, the revelations, and from on high, such instructions as are necessary for the edification, and salvation of his household.”4
At a meeting of Relief Society sisters, Joseph Smith said: “You need not be teasing your husbands because of their deeds, but let the weight of your innocence, kindness and affection be felt, which is more mighty than a millstone hung about the neck; not war, not jangle [quarreling], not contradiction, or dispute, but meekness, love, purity—these are the things that should magnify you in the eyes of all good men. …
“… When a man is borne down with trouble, when he is perplexed with care and difficulty, if he can meet a smile instead of an argument or a murmur—if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings; when the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace of affection and kindness. … When you go home, never give a cross or unkind word to your husbands, but let kindness, charity and love crown your works henceforward.”5
Eliza R. Snow reported: “[The Prophet Joseph Smith] exhorted the sisters always to concentrate their faith and prayers for, and place confidence in their husbands, whom God has appointed for them to honor.”6 ~“Chapter 42: Family: The Sweetest Union for Time and for Eternity,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith, (2007),479–91~

While the sisters were talking about this I realized that when I talked to Aaron, during our marriage, that maybe I didn't really listen to him or talk to him with kindness, love or support after his hard day at work. I feel that the way he may have felt is the exact same way I have often felt when I needed to vent about what went wrong in my day and not letting the other vent. In RS we talked about how we as women are great whiners. We as women have other women to lean on as friends, who have the same trials as us, but for men they might not have that friendship we have with other women. I know that this is something I need to improve on.

These are my thoughts and please do not comment to me on how stupid these thoughts are or how it sounds like I'm whining about my situation. These are what I'm learning in hindsight.