Some Funnies :)

If Men Got Pregnant
*Maternity leave would last two years... with full pay.
*There would be a cure for stretch marks.
*Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
*Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
*All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
*Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
*Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
*They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
*Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
*Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
*Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
*They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
*Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
*Women would rule the world.

Random Thoughts
*A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
*I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
*I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
*One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
*The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
*Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes!
*Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
*I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!
*The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him...)
*The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
*Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
*Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Four Expectant Fathers...
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir. You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man said. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned a little while later and turned to the second man. "You sir, are the rather of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he said. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down!"

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time she announced to the third man that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he could barely reply.

"Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" the nurse asked. After finally regaining his composure, the man said. "I don't believe it. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everyone's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had fainted flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side, and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, he was heard whispering the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job with Millennium Computers... I should have never taken that job with Millennium Computers.... I should have never taken that job with Millennium Computers...."


Top 17 Fatal things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
17. "I finished the Oreo's."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Leehad a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprisevisit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next toWillard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Bambi."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........."